Ghost Cave

Most ghost stories will start off with a sentence like, “it was a dark and stormy night”. They might tell you “do not listen to this story, we warned you” or make claims like “this is the scariest ghost story ever”. This ghost story is nothing like those. In fact, this ghost story isn’t every the tiniest bit scary. Don’t believe me? Well, then listen up.

Ethern was a ghost. He wasn’t a scary ghost, though. The scariest thing about Ethern was he lived in a cave. It was not, however, a cold, dark, scary cave, but actually rather lovely. A little creek bubbled merrily past his cave and a bed of beautiful flowers bloomed right outside. Inside the cave, it got nice and toasty during the day and stayed reasonably warm even during the night. There were no bats or creepy drip drip noises, only butterflies during the day and fireflies during the night. 

The problem was people didn’t realise Ethern wasn’t a scary ghost. Because his cave was so lovely, people who hiked or camped in the area would often come wandering up to his cave. Sometimes they would have picnics in the shade of the cave or children might try to catch tadpoles in the creek out the front. Ethern would watch them from the very back of the cave because he knew if they saw him, they would run away screaming. He wouldn’t even say “boo” or make “oooooh” noises or anything. He never tried to scare them. The thing Ethern really loved to do was tell jokes. He had tried again and again to get people to stay long enough to listen to his jokes.

Once a man and a lady had come up to his cave for a picnic. Ethern had watched as they had shared chocolate-covered strawberries and bubbly drinks and some sandwiches. Then the man had gotten down on one knee and asked the lady to marry him. She had said yes, and they started hugging and laughing. Ethern had some excellent jokes about weddings and people being in love, so he thought he’d try them out. He quickly rushed out of his cave and said, “Congratulations! You know whenever I think about weddings I can’t help thinking about my old mate Frankenstein. Do you know why Frankenstein proposed over the phone? Because the Bride of Frankenstein asked him to give her a ring!” 

The couple just sat there, looking horrified.

“Ok, ok,” said Ethern, “not my best material. Say, those are some beautiful flowers you’ve given your fiance. Tell me, do you know why there are so many flowers in the graveyard? Because they use good fertiliser, of course!” 

“It’s a ghost!” the lady screamed and ran. The man grabbed his picnic basket and rug and ran after her. Ethern called after them, “Wait I have better jokes! Why is the vampire still single? Love bites!” They didn’t come back. 

“Well, that was about as fun as an arranged marriage to a black widow.” Ethern sighed and went back inside his cave.

Another time two boys came wandering up the creek. Ethern heard them talking about how they were trying to catch tadpoles for a science project for school. Ethern got very excited, he had some jokes about school he knew the boys would love. He waited until the boys had passed by his cave before he started his jokes.

“What did the teacher say to the arachnid student who kept acting up? ‘You’re hanging by a thread, mister!’” Ethern smiled at the boys. One of the boys fell backwards into the creek. Ethern didn’t know if this was due to fright or perhaps wonder at how good his joke had been, so he thought he’d try another.

“How can you tell if your principal is really a werewolf? Moon him and find out!” No laughs. Just screams from both boys as they ran back down the creek. 

“Well, that was as fun as watching a zombie movie in Smell-O-Vision,” Ethern pouted.

A few weeks later, a group of children and parents had come up to his cave. They had balloons, and party blowers and Ethern though they were celebrating someone’s birthday. He knew his material about parties was brilliant, they were sure to stay and laugh this time. He thought maybe this time he’d mix it up a bit with a few non-party related jokes as well, just to keep things interesting.

“Hey there! Happy birthday! Do you know why trees hate birthdays? Because they can never be sure how old they are unless they cut themselves down” The parents grabbed hold of their children. Ethern thought one of them may have been about to laugh, but then he realised she was just silently screaming.

“Why did the eye doctor recommend the pirate wear glasses? At the eye exam, he kept saying, “Arr! Arr, matey! It’s an Arr!” As he uttered his last “arr”, the party-goers also shouted out “arr”. Ethern thought they had gotten his joke and were helping him finish it off, but no. They were just yelling and running away. 

“Well that went down worse than a birthday pinata full of hornets,” Ethern picked up a lost party blower and sadly went back inside his cave.

He didn’t bother going outside his cave the next time he saw a little girl and her grandfather picking flowers along the creek. He didn’t go when a lady came past in her yoga pants, walking her dog. He didn’t even go out when a young boy came all the way up to the front of his cave one rainy day. The boy stood right inside Ethern’s cave, looking out at the drizzle. He hadn’t seen Ethern sitting there, but Ethern didn’t bother getting up and going to speak to him. He knew the boy would just run away. He just couldn’t help himself though, he had some excellent jokes about the weather. He muttered, half out loud half to himself, “What’s the worst day to go out in a lightning storm?” 

Ethern was very surprised to hear the small boy say “I don’t know, what is the worst day to go out in a lightning storm?” He looked up and saw the boy looking at him. 

“Fry-day,” Ethern said. The boy’s eyes lit up, and he let out a loud “Ha!” This was all the encouragement Ethern needed.

“What did the sun say as it raced past the horizon?” The boy shrugged. “Eat my dusk!” The boy laughed again.

“Tell me another!” he cried. Ethern smiled.

“How can you tell the vampire caught a cold? Because of his coffin.” The boy laughed until he had tears rolling down his face.

“Those were brilliant. My name is Cody. Are you a ghost?” Ethern nodded. 

“How cool,” Cody said. Ethern couldn’t believe it. He had finally met someone who knew just how funny his jokes were. Cody left once the rain had stopped, but he came back to visit Ethern every Saturday, which gave Ethern plenty of time to write new jokes. He still practised on other people who came to his cave every now and then, but no one quite understood his jokes like Cody did.